Ohh! What a windy night...

Tonight, the wind is blowing hard.
Almost as if it wanted to put something down.
Almost as if it‘s making a riot.
Almost as if it’s rebelling.

Like a little child being held captive
Kept away from what it really wants
The wind throws a wild tantrum
Scattering anything that comes in its way

Somehow tonight,
it feels as if I had something to do with all this
Somehow it feels like the wind’s madness is caused by me

Does it really have something to do with me?
Is the wind angry that I am leaving?
Is that why it caused this chaos?
Because somehow tonight I feel that this is the reason

The wind has now slowly made its peace
Like a little child being set to ease
Quietened by the soft console of his mother

With a little stint of relieve
So distant, you can barely hear it
The wind whispers a sound of tolerance
As if it understood my words of comfort

"Dear wind, do not fret
I am not leaving for good
I am merely transcending to another place
For I have no worth to this land anymore

Do not be sad that I am gone
For we can always stay in touch
You would always find me wherever you go
Although we cannot always meet in eyes
We could always make a date in our cores
And I will always feel you no matter where I go."

Now all I have to do is wait for the rain…

brain saturation..

have you ever felt being in the midst of brain saturation??

Well, i have. Or at least that's what i thought. Maybe it's just my mind blocking away all incoming facts that are labeled as unnecessary or stressing..

What ever the reason is, i sure hope it ends soon. It's hard to study when your brain won't take in anything. What's worse is when it decides to fail in the exam hall, like what i experienced this morning and all the other exams. Even the smallest thing can get you confuse even though you're very familiar with it.. Complete utter bs.

i have every possible notes i need for tomorrow's paper. For what ever reason, i refuse to read them. Correction; my brain won't process what ever it is i try to read.. buggah!!

Better force myself now.. At least i can say i've tried..

when people manage you...

This morning a robbery happened right in the university’s building. Here in the girls’ hostel. The gruesome thief took almost everything that he can and didn’t even have compassion for these students. A total of six final year students were ripped of their most precious belongings. Among the items stolen were cellphones, wallets and laptops – the very core of a student’s living. The incident happened around 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. When the house residents became aware of the situation, they immediately went downstairs to the fellow’s house to make a report. However the student’s were sent back broke and disappointed. The officer suggested them to file a report only after working hours have started since he was resting at the moment. When the matter was taken to varsity’s management, they were blamed for their own negligence.


This incident reminded me of my own episode a couple years back when I first started attending this uni. Although the case was different and the faulty was completely mine, hostel management sure did have their fair share. I brought my mom’s beloved cooker to the hostel unaware of its prohibited status. Living in the hostel, we surely had to follow rules and regulations. One of them; which is not to bring high power consuming electrical goods. Long story short, it was finally confiscated. Being that it had great sentimental value to my mom, I pleaded for it to be returned. At first, I was given an hour long lecture about rules and regulations and how it was not supposed to be returned back after confiscated. Then, I was told to write a plea letter stating my apologies and regrets. When I finally send my letter, the supposed officer was on vacation and I was told to send it again a couple days later. Came a few days, that person was still not around so I left it with her assistant. When I came to check back on my letter, the officer claimed to never receive it and that I had to resend my letter. Not a few weeks later, a notice was posted. It was about the release of confiscated items. Since I was so busy that week, I had no other choice but to wait the coming week to settle this matter. But to my disappointment, they already disposed it. I remembered talking to the management about the notice but they claimed to have never posted it. If only I’d ripped one of the post and shoved it to their face…

I may be a little late

but deary kokak,

being that you are old, and life-less, and partner-less..
and that you are such a workaholic that you shove every possible partner away,

know that we all love and adore you..
more than you could possibly tell...

a year ago I wrote a poem to commemorate your day
but now i just want to say
HAVE IT BEEN A MINUTE TOO LATE OR TOO SOON, IT WON'T BE YOU..
happy belated..

Abang

26 years ago
you came to this world
bringing joy, hope and strength
to the family..

Even after all those years, you still do..

Thank you for having been born..

Do know that we love you

today actually meant something..

Today I write again after so long…

Last Saturday, the girls and I talked about making a birthday special when you have no resources. Monday is going to be Iff’s fiancé’s birthday. She has no money and he won’t let her spend a cent. I tried to explain to her that it could still be special and it’s her duty to make it so since he gave her a mind blower last march. My reason was that it would only be fair to make it more than ordinary. Well let me just put it that she thinks all of them would be impossible given her circumstances. Yeah right… nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih… that is just the way I see it. But it’s not right for me to judge. It’s also almost 3 weeks since my last encounter with the net. Let just put it this way: I AM GOING CRAZY AND WOULD LIKE TO KILL MYSELF. It’s tensed!! I miss my Facebook account so much. I just hope this would end soon. Looking at the Chinese girls go online makes me so mad.

Well anyways, on the way to dinner something flashed my mind. I even murmured something like, “So it’s this Monday huh…”

N already went “what’s with this Monday? Why?”

I tried to be cool and dumb by saying “Oh? Nothing. It’s her fiancé’s birthday right? Just that.”

“it’s her fiancé. She’s the one that should remember it, not you. Right Iff?”

“oh nothing.”

How dumb. Trying to cover up something so obvious. Thank goodness nobody noticed or cared. Not even Iff despite me telling her the fact every other day. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad. Either way it’s good. At least they didn’t have to feel sorry for pathetic me reminiscing old days. That I tried to hide the sob that came up a split second on the way to dinner. A regret that I didn’t have the chance to celebrate papa’s day the proper way.

Since he left I never remembered his day properly. It’s always a week before or after or half way through the day. Somehow I felt sad that people around me are going to be happy on the day that makes me sad. In the end I tend to forget. I always feel guilty that I cannot make up to all the wrong I’ve done. I know that people always say that my siblings and I are way too selfish to even care. Maybe they just neglect the fact that sometimes it’s hard to be the more sensible one. Maybe it’s just too painful to go through. I guess somehow all four of us are still weak and immature in a way that others can’t see. Justifying our actions and emotions would be a waste of time. Like anyone cares!

There is never a that passes by I don’t think of you… happy supposedly 51 papa. I know you love me. We all do.

happy belated birthday to me (part 2: this year...)

I am a freaking weirdo.. That is a fact. Any one my age would probably go and get drunk on their bdays. Maybe not on alcohol, but they'll definitely got hung over life. Me?? I didn't even feel anything.. Not a single emotion on that supposedly happy day. Y????

Kokak wanted to buy cake, kodek wished like a gazillion times, mama even tried to make it special.. What was my responce?? Whatever!! Totally insensitive. Sorry..

I am very SORRY.. I just didn't feel like it.. Even more with the fact that mama said it was my bday starting from monday.. Even more with the fact that I was so busy.. Even more with the fact that I got old..

If I really put a thought on it, I'd probably feel like a looser.. And didn't feel like there's anything to celebrate.. I'm a mess..

p/s:- kokak..I still want that cake n a pair of shoes..!!!

happy belated birthday to me (part 1: this was last year...)

feb 6th:-
This is; like so absurd. This may be the most absurd time of my life. The peak of adrenaline rush in my whole living period of time. It’s only the sixth day of February; but I am all about the 21st. Crazy? Yeah! The 21st of all my 21st. get it? I really don’t know what happened. I used to hate the 21st so much. Each coming every year is agonizing. This day alone brought me so much pain over the years. Reminded me always how old, grumpy and wrinkly I have become. All the deeds – good or bad – I have gathered in my storage has only gotten bigger.
I guess those reasons are only cover ups to what really kept hidden inside. I probably should not write this on any form of media. Still, my hands are typing relentlessly on this piece of electronic paper. The outcome would most likely turn out bad if someone laid their eyes on this screen, but still; I feel the need to type reason to hate my own birthday. Many people gasped in shock as they heard this little confession of mine. They could not register the fact that people could actually hate the day they were born. But yes, I did personally hate the 21st. I used to wish that every year in this month, one particular day would skip. But then again, though I wished as hard as I could, it never did happen; it will never happen till the end of time.


feb 23rd:-
What did I think about my whirlwind of a birthday? Well, it’s not exactly whirlwind or anything. But I guess I did end up somewhat sulky and moody. I even managed to lead the whole casa to think that I wanted a special something. At first, I was surprisingly calm and not expecting anything; content with what is. As the day goes by, the mood struck in. The major fact that contributed to this was a headache; a compulsive hit on the head. I became angry and unpleasant. All in all, I got a birthday cake and perfume for the day. It was my favourite Secret Recipes and I really enjoyed it. But still, there is this side of me that feels dissatisfied and empty. As if nothing is good enough. As if they don’t really mean all those celebration. Then again, I’m just being a b***h. I could never be satisfied or even truly happily content. That is just me. I am just a naturally negative person; and that is one leaf hard to turn over.

Kemana HIJRAHku

Lama sungguh laman ini tak dikunjungi.. Terasa kekok pula hendak menaip kata-kata apatah lagi ini entri pertama menggunakan bahasa melayu sepenuhnya.. Lidah kelu untuk berbicara, jemari pula kaku menunggu cetusan idea.. Ok dah.. Cam tulis karangan BM lak..



Mmg dah lama sangat.. Bukan sebab xde cerita. Mungkin diri ini lebih selesa mengalami semuanya dan kekok bercerita.. Atau mungkin mmg xreti nak karang ayat.



Sedar x sedar hari ni dah pun mula tahun baru. Tahun baru ni mula dgn kebanggaan M'sia bila bola sepak dpt emas utk sukan SEA. Siyes mmg x suka sukan lagi2 bola..tp tadi tgk jela sebab smua pun siar bola. Trsuntik satu prasaan bangga bila M'sia menang..mmg sgt gumbira..smpai Hanim yg tengah baca majalah pun ikut sorak sama..



Taip je nama Hanim teringat kena tinggal kat umah sewa ni.. Besanya dok tinggal ngan Nana. Hanim ada pun malam ni sebab nak teman..klu x dia wajib cabut dulu..klaka sungguh. Pasal nk balik cuti pun nak dilema. Nak balik ke idak?? Pastu x pasal2 sedih.. Mula2 dok fikir org ni, org tu..sapa kna tinggal sorg2..kesianla.. Tup2 sndri kena tinggal.. Bukan salah sapa pun. Salah sndri sebab xleh nak buat keputusan.. Smua nk tunggu org lain..tengok dulu apa nak jadi.. Bila smua xikut apa yg dharap, mula lah nak sedih.. Bukan pasal hal ni je..smua benda pun camni gak.. Xtaula bila nk ubah..tah bila nak hijrah..



Esk stat la hari aru dalam tahun yang baru.. Bila tgk2 xde pn yg prasan hal ni.. Sibukkn bola punya hal.. Aku pn lebih kurang je.. Walaupn x kisah pasal bola, tp aku tetap x kisah pasal tahun baru ni..

Azam tahun ni.. nk kurangkn dengki dan tak puas hati ngan org lain.. insya allah..

Mr Right

There you were
as I remembered
Strong, steady, confident
with a smile

Who could see
that you'd look at me
Straight, sincere from your heart
and not your eyes

I can't believe I would say
that I just want you to stay
Not moving an inch from where you are
in my life

I can't believe I'll admit
what you really are to me
A warmth inside my heart
can't be denied
Cause you are my right

Put up a front with you
That's something I cannot do
No matter how I might
or ever how I tried

Nobody understands
not even my so called friends
So I just wish upon a star
that we won't break apart..