today actually meant something..

Today I write again after so long…

Last Saturday, the girls and I talked about making a birthday special when you have no resources. Monday is going to be Iff’s fiancé’s birthday. She has no money and he won’t let her spend a cent. I tried to explain to her that it could still be special and it’s her duty to make it so since he gave her a mind blower last march. My reason was that it would only be fair to make it more than ordinary. Well let me just put it that she thinks all of them would be impossible given her circumstances. Yeah right… nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih… that is just the way I see it. But it’s not right for me to judge. It’s also almost 3 weeks since my last encounter with the net. Let just put it this way: I AM GOING CRAZY AND WOULD LIKE TO KILL MYSELF. It’s tensed!! I miss my Facebook account so much. I just hope this would end soon. Looking at the Chinese girls go online makes me so mad.

Well anyways, on the way to dinner something flashed my mind. I even murmured something like, “So it’s this Monday huh…”

N already went “what’s with this Monday? Why?”

I tried to be cool and dumb by saying “Oh? Nothing. It’s her fiancé’s birthday right? Just that.”

“it’s her fiancé. She’s the one that should remember it, not you. Right Iff?”

“oh nothing.”

How dumb. Trying to cover up something so obvious. Thank goodness nobody noticed or cared. Not even Iff despite me telling her the fact every other day. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad. Either way it’s good. At least they didn’t have to feel sorry for pathetic me reminiscing old days. That I tried to hide the sob that came up a split second on the way to dinner. A regret that I didn’t have the chance to celebrate papa’s day the proper way.

Since he left I never remembered his day properly. It’s always a week before or after or half way through the day. Somehow I felt sad that people around me are going to be happy on the day that makes me sad. In the end I tend to forget. I always feel guilty that I cannot make up to all the wrong I’ve done. I know that people always say that my siblings and I are way too selfish to even care. Maybe they just neglect the fact that sometimes it’s hard to be the more sensible one. Maybe it’s just too painful to go through. I guess somehow all four of us are still weak and immature in a way that others can’t see. Justifying our actions and emotions would be a waste of time. Like anyone cares!

There is never a that passes by I don’t think of you… happy supposedly 51 papa. I know you love me. We all do.