I may be a little late

but deary kokak,

being that you are old, and life-less, and partner-less..
and that you are such a workaholic that you shove every possible partner away,

know that we all love and adore you..
more than you could possibly tell...

a year ago I wrote a poem to commemorate your day
but now i just want to say
HAVE IT BEEN A MINUTE TOO LATE OR TOO SOON, IT WON'T BE YOU..
happy belated..

Abang

26 years ago
you came to this world
bringing joy, hope and strength
to the family..

Even after all those years, you still do..

Thank you for having been born..

Do know that we love you

today actually meant something..

Today I write again after so long…

Last Saturday, the girls and I talked about making a birthday special when you have no resources. Monday is going to be Iff’s fiancé’s birthday. She has no money and he won’t let her spend a cent. I tried to explain to her that it could still be special and it’s her duty to make it so since he gave her a mind blower last march. My reason was that it would only be fair to make it more than ordinary. Well let me just put it that she thinks all of them would be impossible given her circumstances. Yeah right… nak seribu daya, tak nak seribu dalih… that is just the way I see it. But it’s not right for me to judge. It’s also almost 3 weeks since my last encounter with the net. Let just put it this way: I AM GOING CRAZY AND WOULD LIKE TO KILL MYSELF. It’s tensed!! I miss my Facebook account so much. I just hope this would end soon. Looking at the Chinese girls go online makes me so mad.

Well anyways, on the way to dinner something flashed my mind. I even murmured something like, “So it’s this Monday huh…”

N already went “what’s with this Monday? Why?”

I tried to be cool and dumb by saying “Oh? Nothing. It’s her fiancé’s birthday right? Just that.”

“it’s her fiancé. She’s the one that should remember it, not you. Right Iff?”

“oh nothing.”

How dumb. Trying to cover up something so obvious. Thank goodness nobody noticed or cared. Not even Iff despite me telling her the fact every other day. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad. Either way it’s good. At least they didn’t have to feel sorry for pathetic me reminiscing old days. That I tried to hide the sob that came up a split second on the way to dinner. A regret that I didn’t have the chance to celebrate papa’s day the proper way.

Since he left I never remembered his day properly. It’s always a week before or after or half way through the day. Somehow I felt sad that people around me are going to be happy on the day that makes me sad. In the end I tend to forget. I always feel guilty that I cannot make up to all the wrong I’ve done. I know that people always say that my siblings and I are way too selfish to even care. Maybe they just neglect the fact that sometimes it’s hard to be the more sensible one. Maybe it’s just too painful to go through. I guess somehow all four of us are still weak and immature in a way that others can’t see. Justifying our actions and emotions would be a waste of time. Like anyone cares!

There is never a that passes by I don’t think of you… happy supposedly 51 papa. I know you love me. We all do.

happy belated birthday to me (part 2: this year...)

I am a freaking weirdo.. That is a fact. Any one my age would probably go and get drunk on their bdays. Maybe not on alcohol, but they'll definitely got hung over life. Me?? I didn't even feel anything.. Not a single emotion on that supposedly happy day. Y????

Kokak wanted to buy cake, kodek wished like a gazillion times, mama even tried to make it special.. What was my responce?? Whatever!! Totally insensitive. Sorry..

I am very SORRY.. I just didn't feel like it.. Even more with the fact that mama said it was my bday starting from monday.. Even more with the fact that I was so busy.. Even more with the fact that I got old..

If I really put a thought on it, I'd probably feel like a looser.. And didn't feel like there's anything to celebrate.. I'm a mess..

p/s:- kokak..I still want that cake n a pair of shoes..!!!

happy belated birthday to me (part 1: this was last year...)

feb 6th:-
This is; like so absurd. This may be the most absurd time of my life. The peak of adrenaline rush in my whole living period of time. It’s only the sixth day of February; but I am all about the 21st. Crazy? Yeah! The 21st of all my 21st. get it? I really don’t know what happened. I used to hate the 21st so much. Each coming every year is agonizing. This day alone brought me so much pain over the years. Reminded me always how old, grumpy and wrinkly I have become. All the deeds – good or bad – I have gathered in my storage has only gotten bigger.
I guess those reasons are only cover ups to what really kept hidden inside. I probably should not write this on any form of media. Still, my hands are typing relentlessly on this piece of electronic paper. The outcome would most likely turn out bad if someone laid their eyes on this screen, but still; I feel the need to type reason to hate my own birthday. Many people gasped in shock as they heard this little confession of mine. They could not register the fact that people could actually hate the day they were born. But yes, I did personally hate the 21st. I used to wish that every year in this month, one particular day would skip. But then again, though I wished as hard as I could, it never did happen; it will never happen till the end of time.


feb 23rd:-
What did I think about my whirlwind of a birthday? Well, it’s not exactly whirlwind or anything. But I guess I did end up somewhat sulky and moody. I even managed to lead the whole casa to think that I wanted a special something. At first, I was surprisingly calm and not expecting anything; content with what is. As the day goes by, the mood struck in. The major fact that contributed to this was a headache; a compulsive hit on the head. I became angry and unpleasant. All in all, I got a birthday cake and perfume for the day. It was my favourite Secret Recipes and I really enjoyed it. But still, there is this side of me that feels dissatisfied and empty. As if nothing is good enough. As if they don’t really mean all those celebration. Then again, I’m just being a b***h. I could never be satisfied or even truly happily content. That is just me. I am just a naturally negative person; and that is one leaf hard to turn over.

Kemana HIJRAHku

Lama sungguh laman ini tak dikunjungi.. Terasa kekok pula hendak menaip kata-kata apatah lagi ini entri pertama menggunakan bahasa melayu sepenuhnya.. Lidah kelu untuk berbicara, jemari pula kaku menunggu cetusan idea.. Ok dah.. Cam tulis karangan BM lak..



Mmg dah lama sangat.. Bukan sebab xde cerita. Mungkin diri ini lebih selesa mengalami semuanya dan kekok bercerita.. Atau mungkin mmg xreti nak karang ayat.



Sedar x sedar hari ni dah pun mula tahun baru. Tahun baru ni mula dgn kebanggaan M'sia bila bola sepak dpt emas utk sukan SEA. Siyes mmg x suka sukan lagi2 bola..tp tadi tgk jela sebab smua pun siar bola. Trsuntik satu prasaan bangga bila M'sia menang..mmg sgt gumbira..smpai Hanim yg tengah baca majalah pun ikut sorak sama..



Taip je nama Hanim teringat kena tinggal kat umah sewa ni.. Besanya dok tinggal ngan Nana. Hanim ada pun malam ni sebab nak teman..klu x dia wajib cabut dulu..klaka sungguh. Pasal nk balik cuti pun nak dilema. Nak balik ke idak?? Pastu x pasal2 sedih.. Mula2 dok fikir org ni, org tu..sapa kna tinggal sorg2..kesianla.. Tup2 sndri kena tinggal.. Bukan salah sapa pun. Salah sndri sebab xleh nak buat keputusan.. Smua nk tunggu org lain..tengok dulu apa nak jadi.. Bila smua xikut apa yg dharap, mula lah nak sedih.. Bukan pasal hal ni je..smua benda pun camni gak.. Xtaula bila nk ubah..tah bila nak hijrah..



Esk stat la hari aru dalam tahun yang baru.. Bila tgk2 xde pn yg prasan hal ni.. Sibukkn bola punya hal.. Aku pn lebih kurang je.. Walaupn x kisah pasal bola, tp aku tetap x kisah pasal tahun baru ni..

Azam tahun ni.. nk kurangkn dengki dan tak puas hati ngan org lain.. insya allah..

Mr Right

There you were
as I remembered
Strong, steady, confident
with a smile

Who could see
that you'd look at me
Straight, sincere from your heart
and not your eyes

I can't believe I would say
that I just want you to stay
Not moving an inch from where you are
in my life

I can't believe I'll admit
what you really are to me
A warmth inside my heart
can't be denied
Cause you are my right

Put up a front with you
That's something I cannot do
No matter how I might
or ever how I tried

Nobody understands
not even my so called friends
So I just wish upon a star
that we won't break apart..

KOKKITOs belated

Never at home, your life's a mess
Never at rest, you want to neglect
Always on the run
your life's so hectic
sometimes I wish you would just stop

Trying so hard to just impress
Striving to show you're one of the best
To the point that you start to
go the other way

So I know
You're running in the fast lane of the quarter life
And I get it
if you start wanting to die
Nothing goes your way
You stuck and stumble
when you try to stay steady state
I just hate you this way...

Sometimes you get so dysfunctional
When you are stressed
you tend to shut it
Don't get me wrong, I love you
but there's ought to be another way...

Nobody's judging you, my love
Believe me when I say
we all just want you to be
the person you are to be
Confident, happy
couldn't care less bout the rest
and contented...

this is not something that I like to publish regularly..

But this being the start of a senior year, makes me want to write a piece of my mind. Maybe it's just me, but I have always had this negative side that is almost impossible to kick-out. And to kokak please don't even start to think anything to say.

facts will be facts.. They are all scared of me and they definitely have a thing against me. Yes.. They are all digusted with the hideous, fat me. But its not all their fault alone. I contributed to this problem too. My ways of not smiling, constantly sarcastic and harsh did not make it easier for them. How can I blame them. I really can't though I want to.

I admit the fact that if this was to be looked at closely, it is my fault. What can I do?? I'm not like other people. I wasn't raised to have flirty body language, soft silken voice and graceful attitude.. But I am also eve; just like them.

I am everything they are but extremely different in so many ways. Maybe what they say is right. people will see on us what we saw on them..

So, I was tagged in Facebook... And I want to tag KOKAK and Putri here..

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: minerals on tap
2. Last phone call: PSJ
3. Last text message: kodek
4. Last song you listened to: wonderpets teamwork
5. Last time you cried: sometime last week

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: i date my frens gazillion times
7. Been cheated on: probably dozen times
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: not yet
9. Lost someone special: quite some time ago
10. Been depressed: duhh! I'm a student
11. Been drunk and threw up: drunk on life

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. green
13. purple
14. grey

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: lots
16. Fallen in of love: not to date
17. Laughed until you cried: none amuse me that much
18. Met someone who changed you: not yet
19. Found out who your true friends were: still in progress
20. Found out someone was talking about you: not this year
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: haven't tried that
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all minus one
23. How many kids do you want?: 4 n downwards
24. Do you have any pets: only my sister's..
25. Do you want to change your name: pichosso???
26. What did you do for your last birthday: plotting revenge with a cake on my hand..kidding
27. What time did you wake up today: 0800
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: pet society....
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: everything...i hate waiting
30. Last time you saw your Mother: sunday 0900
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: nak jadi alim...cam bib
32. What are you listening to right now : d crancky fan
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i thought i have
35. Most visited webpage: questionablecontent.net
36. Whats your real name: d same one posted on my profile
37. Nicknames: i only reply to naim
38. Relationship Status: daughter,student,fren
39. Zodiac sign: pisces
40. Male or female?: if i were a dear, i would be a doe
41. Primary School?: Sekolah Kebangsaan Sentul 1
42. Secondary School?: SMK Batu Muda, SMK Desa Tun Hussein Onn
43. High school/college?: Kedah Matriculation College
44. Hair colour: black with a hint of hitam..soon to be..
45. Long or short: is this question refers to my hair?
46. Height: not qualified for nba
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: none i can think of
48: What do you like about yourself?: i am fat
49. Piercings: ears..homemade
50. Tattoos: nothing that last long
51. Righty or lefty: right oriented

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: when i was 5...jatuh gaung...true story
53. First piercing: time baby
54. First best friend: my sisters
55. First sport you joined: sukaneka time tabika...hehe
56. First vacation: famiily day in frasers hill..where i fell
58. First pair of trainers: pasar mlm

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: just finished a bag of chips
60. Drinking: about to
61. I'm about to: drink menerals on tap
62. Listening to: crancky kipas
63. Waiting on: bed time

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: guess so
65. Get Married?: if anyone wants me
66. Career?: business maybe

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: my peeps
68. Hugs or kisses: beary hugs
69. Shorter or taller: i like tall..cannot reach
70. Older or Younger: matured not senior
71. Romantic or spontaneous: definitely not heart attack spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: not flabby arms
73. Sensitive or loud: respect other's needs
74. Hook-up or relationship: steady state relation
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: can't decide..both are bad

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: akak faci yg islamic tu
77. Drank hard liquor: ALLAH forbid
78. Lost glasses/contacts: i have eagle eyes
79. Sex on first date: ALLAH forbid
80. Broken someone's heart: not the opposite attract kind of way
82. Been arrested: not by the authority
83. Turned someone down: none that i can think of
84. Cried when someone died: almost all the time
85. Fallen for a friend?: is it even permitted??

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: not all the time
87. Miracles: only the ones made by ALLAH
88. Love at first sight: been there..done that
89. Heaven: absolutely
90. Santa Claus: ridiculous
91. Kiss on the first date: only when done by others
92. Angels: definitely yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: how can someone have only 1 fren?
95. Did you sing today?: sadly no
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: on principles basis
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? : as far as i could stretch
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: day b4 raya
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: dying to..but no luck
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: no human can be 100%..there aren't even 100 questions here