sour arguments rambling

another contradiction post

why do people conflict? is it because they fail to understand each other, expect the other to understand them or just won't try? why does an argument lead to a conflict? would it be possible for people to avoid emotion in this situation? at least a cool head?

people always say that i would try to win arguments by hook or by crook. they say that i would start to raise my voice and hands to state a case. that i would get all emotional if the discussion doesn't go my way. as if i think that i'm always right.

usually, i would get comments like:
"yeah, yeah, you think that you're always right"
"if you want to win so bad, take it!"
"believe your facts, not D facts"

often, when this happen, arguments get conflicting and in the end things got sour. yes sour. i really meant sour.

that is why i would try to avoid arguments when they start to turn serious. primarily because i'm an emotional person. the other reason would be the future effect. when a discussion turns serious, always, people got hurt and angry. always the other party. why? being an emotional person, i always want to stand my point in the most confident way possible to me that it sometimes seems too much for the other party. in such event, i would be so fired up to the point where i may dissed them. i would try so much for them to see my point of view that i may repel their point of view. or maybe they just don't know how to grab my attention. but that would also be my faulty. i just failed to understand their case because they said i was too caught up with my facts....or they failed with theirs??

most of the times, discussions lead to arguments that turn sour. but when ever i tried to leave an argument, people would often question my patience. that i can't keep my head leveled while discussion certain issues. that i can't handle stress or keep my temper. but in the end...

dear that someone who ignores me..

i know that i may look like a desperate psycho ***** to you.. i know that its obvious.. but what right do you have to treat me like this.. if you feel that i am coming on too strong, you could just tell me to back off. why did you have to run away and shut me out like the way you're doing right now??? don't i deserve to know the truth? haven't i be a sport enough to let you see that i can handle it? the way you're doing it right drives me nuts.. do you really wanna make me lose my mind? i can't do anything but think what wrong have i done to you..

kenapa mesti ko buat cmni? aku dh xtau nk buat cmne lg.. aku rs cam aku yg trhegeh2.. knp mesti nk lari cmni? aku try sgt2 nk cover n tahan je smua yg aku rs sbb aku ske bkawan ngan ko.. aku xnk apa2 yg blh rosakkn persahabatn kita.. tp bila ko buat cmni, mmg la aku rs yg ko dh tau.. aku rs yg aku brsalah sgt2.. hati aku sakit sgt.. kot ye pn ko xske, jgn lari cmni leh x? bgtau aku btl2 yg ko sbnrnya nk mainkn aku je.. give me some closure

please.. you, not saying anything and ignoring me is painful.. could you at least mock me in front of your friends.. give that confirmation and closure that i need.. please..

Accepting other's charity

Is it okay to accept charity from others? Because this, really is my case.

Since I graduated in August, there were some struggles in finding a job on my own. Maybe I was not good enough, maybe I was lazy or just maybe I don't have the luck. Finally, I turn to one of those agencies that help you get a kick start. This particular agency is funded by the government to give training opportunities to fresh grads like me. They collaborate with other companies so we could have experience in the field.

So I was called a couple weeks back for an interview at the agency. There were a few of us - and I was the only senior. The coordinator asked a few questions regarding our field of interest and told us to wait if there are interested companies. A week later, I was called for an interview with a green technology company. The position I interviewed for was Service Engineer. In the first interview, the coordinator and I discussed about my job preferences - engineering was not in the list - so naturally I was shocked to hear about the position. I was so nervous! I even freaked out and called Wasabi before the interview just to calm me down. Thankfully she gave me all these tips on how to compose myself in front of the interviewer. It went okay; but at the end of it, I had this funny feeling of hope and despair.

Early next week, I went to another interview - just in case - for a marketing position. Being the good marketer she is, the interviewer chit-chatted during the session to make me feel comfortable. Then, the engineering question popped up. She asked me why didn't I pursue a job in engineering; whether or not I want to be an engineer. Of course I can't simply say that my grades are so pathetic that factories won't call for even just an interview! So I said what every interviewer wants to hear.
"I want to learn and explore new things so that I can challenge my self."
But that question really had me thinking; is engineering really over for me and do I want to look the other way?

Going to the previous interview had made me think that I still have a tiny bit of hope in the field, despite the pathetic grades and despair. It gave me chilly butterflies all over. Made me realize how bad I want the engineer position!

After a week, I started to feel nervous. So I sent a text to one of the candidates asking for news. When she said that she got her result just few days after the interview, my heart sank. I immediately knew that I failed the position. The disappointment really broke me down. The feeling made me so uneasy that I gathered the courage to send a follow up email to the company as well as the agency. And just a day after I did that, another company called to set up an interview. The person didn't even explain anything about her company or the job description. All she said was she got my resume from the agency and to come for interview the day after. The email she sent me later on contained only the company address and website. Not in the typical call-for-interview email format. I was really puzzled, but my mom said to just give it a try. So I did.

Going to a place you're not familiar with was not easy. On top of that, it was Puchong - even Cyberjaya was not as hard. I was an hour late! Crazy. But still, they welcomed me like an honorable guest. After the initial brief and interview, Mr. Boss criticized me about my grades and explained how it shows my integrity as well as work ethics. He gave a deal lot of lecture about how people with my grades breezed through college and is not serious with our work. But then he also said that the grades do not necessarily be important at all. And how we usually only use up to 5% of our knowledge when it comes to professional life. He asked me about my interest - I naturally talked about how engineering enlightened me - and later said that if I told him otherwise the interview would be over. He told me about this new division in his company that needs lots of RnD and how tough it would be. He wanted new products that could be interfaced with the available software. He said that since I was the only candidate who showed up for the interview, there would only be one person in the team - me. And to wait for a call from the agency.

I obviously saw that this new department was made for people like me. And that the collaboration this company has with the agency made them the black goat for people like me. And the job training I'm about to have is a simple case of charity. Despite all that and the insecurity I feel about being in RnD; I truly am thankful. Although at times before this I hate taking charity from others and be the case of their sympathy, this time, I'm relieved.

Alhamdulillah...

If you ask...

I am a responsible person who thrives on team work and self development.

Life is a never ending educational process; and I am eager to learn.



I may not have experience worth mentioning, but I am sure that I can handle pressure confidently while maintaining poise and good communication skills.

Another tag in the facebook

Ok..so I don't normally get tagged in facebook's notes..but whenever I do, this would be the medium to which I reply..RiRi, this is for you..here goes...

"ABC about You"

A - AVAILABLE : indefinitely

B - BIRTHDAY : haha...its enuff dat only you and I know..

C - CRUSHING ON : wait..crush as in developing interest or smash things up??

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD : minerals on tap

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO : me, myself and I...she always agrees with me

F - FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT : You Lost Me, Xtina Aguilera

H - HOMETOWN : dimana bumi dipijak, disitu langit dijunjung..

I - IN LOVE WITH : the fact that I'm jobless

J - JUGGLE : I am..between being jobless and a failed home maker

K - KILLED SOMEONE :affirmative..but not human..

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE : malacca - kedah..to and fro

M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR : banana strawberry..can be found at KFC

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS : 4

O - ONE WISH : to be less miserable than I am rite now

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST : mama..to tell bout adik's unfortunate accident

R- REASON TO SMILE : being happy..seing silly things..what so ever that gets the job done

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD : unusual??britney??

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP : 9.30 am

U - UTENSILS USED TO EAT NOODLES : ranging from chopsticks, fork and fingers

V - VEGETABLE : what about it?

W - WORST HABIT : deep vengeful emotions towards people

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD MOST RECENTLY : most recent would be 4 yrs ago..my ankle

Y - YOYOS ARE : a bouncy effect..from A to B back forth..

Z - ZODIAC SIGN : pisces

RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU:-

Your favorite number/s : 800

What color do you wear most : green and purple

Most favorite color : green and purple

What are you listening to : roaring processor

Are you happy with your life right now : on a literal note; eh~eh

What is your favorite class in school : English

Who is/are your best friend/s : the people I keep in my life

Are you outgoing : depends on the circumstances

Favorite pair of shoes : flip-flops

Can you dance : depends in interpretation

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth : not yet ventured

Can you whistle : partially

Cross your eyes : crossing...

Walk with your toes curled : 800 kilos ago

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

Do you believe in life in other planets : as what stated in the holy Quran

Do you believe in miracles : i do...

Do you believe in magic : hand tricks??yeah..

Love at first sight : been there..done that..

Do you believe in Santa : the one that never gives presents??only in tales...

Do you know how to swim: froggy style..

Do you like roller coasters : in the uttermost likings

Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows : handle..as in pick up and discard kind of way??totally...

Have you ever been on a plane : i did..but it didn't fly...

Have you ever asked someone out : on countless occasions..

Have you ever been to the ocean : i even drowned..

Have you ever painted your nails? : experimentally

THE WHAT'S:-

What is the temperature outside? : slightly lower than room temp..

What radio station do you listen to: my babble fm

What was the last restaurant you ate at: mango chilli

What was the last thing you bought : pasembor kat hospital sg buloh..

What was the last thing on TV you watched : saka jentayu

THE WHO'S :-

Who was the last person you IM'd : owh..nana??

Who was the last person you took a picture of : certainly not me..

Who was the last person you said I love you to : mamito

CRYING SECTION:

Ever really cried your heart out : guess so..

Ever cried yourself to sleep : all babies do it..duh!

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder : not to my remembrance

Do you cry when you get an injury : only when there's no hope of the pain going away..l

HAPPY SECTION:-

Are you a happy person?: negative

LOOK AT ME:-

What is your current hair color: black with a tint of hitam and a brown glow..

CURRENTLY WEARING:-

What shirt are you wearing : a shirt!

Pants : is this a question??

Shoes : born in suit

Necklaces : absent

IN A BOY/GIRL:-

Favorite eye color: something that sparks in mine

Short or long hair : nothing female-ish

Height : totally higher than me

HAVE YOU EVER:-

Been to jail: as a visitor..

Mooned someone: mooned???

Thought about suicide : numerous times

Laughed so hard you cried : inevitable

Cried in school : it was school!whadya think?!

Thrown up in a store : only outside one..

Wanted to be a model : always,always,always...

Seen a dead body : many of 'em

Been on drugs : legally prescribed

Gone skinny dipping : never heard of it..

THIS OR THAT:-

Pepsi or Coke : neither

McDonald's or Burger King: parappapara..I'm luvin it..

Single or Group Dates: group...there's so many activities could be done..

Chocolate or Vanilla : 70% cocoa

Strawberries or Blueberries: erk..depends

Meat or Veggies: my fangs cry out for 'em..

TV or Movie : couch potato

Guitar or Drums : the lead singer..

Adidas or Nike: barefoot..

Not feeling it..

These days tensions are running high. I just started a 40 days programming course, my schedule is hectic, everyone is sour-faced and to top them all up; my convo is round the corner. I really am just exhausted!

->On Monday, I registered for the course which is a 30 mins drive + 45 mins on the trains - taken separately - + 5 mins bus ride and another 5 on foot.
->Tuesday; I went to Malacca to register for my convo in the heat. Plus a 50 mins train ride back home with 30 mins foot back to mama's office.
->Wednesday was just the same; except for the fact that I had to go to dinner in my pajamas. Cool.
->Thursday will be even better! After all the journey and class and presentation, Nana and I will be going back to sweat state of Malacca. Can't wait!
->I'll go to a convo briefing on Friday and maybe a little photo shoot. Dang it! This will be yet another spoiler by me when I interfere with Nana's date. Really don't like it.
->Hopefully get to laze around mopingly on Saturday because..
->Sunday is convo day.

Lets wish that nothing else puts my mood on a ball..

The cat's maternal instinct touched me

Today, was just another day in the house... Chores, tv, meal repeated throughout the day. As I was minding my own business; making trips to the kitchen from the living room, I heard a weird noise. It was just past sunset and I was all alone at home. No one has come back from work yet.

At first, I tried to ignore it. But as it grew louder, something hit me. The cats!!! I haven't fed them all day! That was when I rushed upstairs and feed the cats while apologizing for being super late.

As sat there, watching the poor creatures eat, I can't help but feeling overwhelmed. Adik has been keeping Didi since I went back to Malacca for my fourth year. And I've been babysitting her and Dido numerous times during semester break. There were days when Adik forgot to feed her precious and sometimes they were left home with little food when we went for journeys. Never had I heard them cry for food out of hunger. Today was the first time she had done so. This is only because of her young kittens.

I was so touched to see the cat's maternal instinct. If an animal could care so much for their offspring, why can't a human?

Ohh! What a windy night...

Tonight, the wind is blowing hard.
Almost as if it wanted to put something down.
Almost as if it‘s making a riot.
Almost as if it’s rebelling.

Like a little child being held captive
Kept away from what it really wants
The wind throws a wild tantrum
Scattering anything that comes in its way

Somehow tonight,
it feels as if I had something to do with all this
Somehow it feels like the wind’s madness is caused by me

Does it really have something to do with me?
Is the wind angry that I am leaving?
Is that why it caused this chaos?
Because somehow tonight I feel that this is the reason

The wind has now slowly made its peace
Like a little child being set to ease
Quietened by the soft console of his mother

With a little stint of relieve
So distant, you can barely hear it
The wind whispers a sound of tolerance
As if it understood my words of comfort

"Dear wind, do not fret
I am not leaving for good
I am merely transcending to another place
For I have no worth to this land anymore

Do not be sad that I am gone
For we can always stay in touch
You would always find me wherever you go
Although we cannot always meet in eyes
We could always make a date in our cores
And I will always feel you no matter where I go."

Now all I have to do is wait for the rain…

brain saturation..

have you ever felt being in the midst of brain saturation??

Well, i have. Or at least that's what i thought. Maybe it's just my mind blocking away all incoming facts that are labeled as unnecessary or stressing..

What ever the reason is, i sure hope it ends soon. It's hard to study when your brain won't take in anything. What's worse is when it decides to fail in the exam hall, like what i experienced this morning and all the other exams. Even the smallest thing can get you confuse even though you're very familiar with it.. Complete utter bs.

i have every possible notes i need for tomorrow's paper. For what ever reason, i refuse to read them. Correction; my brain won't process what ever it is i try to read.. buggah!!

Better force myself now.. At least i can say i've tried..

when people manage you...

This morning a robbery happened right in the university’s building. Here in the girls’ hostel. The gruesome thief took almost everything that he can and didn’t even have compassion for these students. A total of six final year students were ripped of their most precious belongings. Among the items stolen were cellphones, wallets and laptops – the very core of a student’s living. The incident happened around 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. When the house residents became aware of the situation, they immediately went downstairs to the fellow’s house to make a report. However the student’s were sent back broke and disappointed. The officer suggested them to file a report only after working hours have started since he was resting at the moment. When the matter was taken to varsity’s management, they were blamed for their own negligence.


This incident reminded me of my own episode a couple years back when I first started attending this uni. Although the case was different and the faulty was completely mine, hostel management sure did have their fair share. I brought my mom’s beloved cooker to the hostel unaware of its prohibited status. Living in the hostel, we surely had to follow rules and regulations. One of them; which is not to bring high power consuming electrical goods. Long story short, it was finally confiscated. Being that it had great sentimental value to my mom, I pleaded for it to be returned. At first, I was given an hour long lecture about rules and regulations and how it was not supposed to be returned back after confiscated. Then, I was told to write a plea letter stating my apologies and regrets. When I finally send my letter, the supposed officer was on vacation and I was told to send it again a couple days later. Came a few days, that person was still not around so I left it with her assistant. When I came to check back on my letter, the officer claimed to never receive it and that I had to resend my letter. Not a few weeks later, a notice was posted. It was about the release of confiscated items. Since I was so busy that week, I had no other choice but to wait the coming week to settle this matter. But to my disappointment, they already disposed it. I remembered talking to the management about the notice but they claimed to have never posted it. If only I’d ripped one of the post and shoved it to their face…